Toni

So, it was Toni's last day at work today. I had been nervous and moody since the weekend. I think it was because I was not sure what would happen after her departure. Toni and I have known each other for almost two years. As you can see from my previous posts, we have had crazy times together. We got along really well. Our minds think pretty much alike. We even have the same taste in men! Toni is actually a few years younger than me. But she's always given me great advice. There is nothing she doesn't know about me-- good stuff, bad stuff, or juicy stuff... She gets to hear it all! She's always considerate and classy. You never see her in a bad dress! Toni is brave to do fun stuff. That's one thing I like about her. She brings good fun sides out of people. When we go out, she makes sure people she's with are entertained. I always feel comfortable hanging out with her even at a super straight place because I know we will have a good time together.

I don't know what tomorrow will be like without Toni sitting next to me. We would touchbase with each other every morning. We would then start our day. Not having anyone to touchbase with in the morning will be odd to me. I guess I would just go to my desk and hide myself there working all day-- no one to talk with, at least not the people I would have a great laugh with anyway.

Oh man... I will really miss her. Of course, we will be in touch. We will still see what each other is up to on Facebook. But it won't be the same as walking to the next cube and chat or going out, getting dressed up on a weekend.

Toni is a true friend and I am glad to have met her. Miss you already, TOni!

Why am I doing this to myself?

I am ridiculous. I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for being unstable. I really do. This evening, Mr. A texted me asking what I was up to. I said nothing hoping that he would ask me to do something. He said he was going to the gym and swim. I asked if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. I was happy and all excited even though I had already had some plans. But I thought I would rather hang out with him.

The night came. He texted me after he was done with the gym. I went over to his place. We decided to go out for a drink. We went to this new bar and stayed there for about an hour. We then decided to go home. While we were walking out of the bar, I ran into someone I used to work with. Mr. A and he hit it off pretty well. The guy asked if we wanted to go back to the bar, Mr. A said, "Sure. Why not?" So, we decided to go back to the bar and hang out. Well, it turned out they hit it off pretty well. They had conversations between themselves. They left me out. They flirted with each other and all that crap. I was standing there like a fool. I then realized that I looked like a fool. So, I excused myself and asked Mr. A if it would be ok if he just dropped him off. He said, "Sure." So, I decided to leave them alone. Why would I want to be a third wheel anyway? So, I came home. I drove home by myself. It is ridiculous. I mean why Mr. A has to take all my gay friends. Why does he have to be attracted to all of them? I don't get it. And why do all my gay friends have to be attracted to him? I don't want to be a third wheel. I hate myself for being so unstable. I hate myself for being emotional for someone. It was not nice. But at the same time, I didn't want to be there crying. I didn't want to look like a loser at a bar. So, I left. I didn't feel very good about it. I was sad. I felt very little. I felt like I was not worth anything. All I could think of was to come home and cuddle with my dog. He would make me feel better. He would make me feel like someone loves me because of who I am.

It's late. I'm sad. But I have my dog in my arm. I'm ready for bed. I told Mr. A to not bother calling me tomorrow. I'll be fine. I'm done caring about other people. I'm done giving my heart to someone. I need to be strong and start taking care of myself. I hate my feelings like this. Why do I fall for Mr. A? Why? Why? Why?

Something is going right... for once!

Things have not been going right for me lately. Mr. A was snatched by who I thought was a friend. Work hasn't been going as planned. Things just have not really been on my side until this morning when I got a body composition done at the gym.

I try to get a body composition done every 4 months so I know where my body is at. It is a good sanity check for me. The last time I got it done was in November of last year. So, it's been about 6 months. I was nervous going into the "examination" room, but thought to myself what the heck. I've been doing pretty good in terms of exercising and dieting. So, I should be ok. But you just never know...

So the results are in...

Since November 2008, I lost about 1lb of fat and gained about 6lbs of lean body mass. That's equal to gaining about 5lbs. So, I'm standing at 135lbs with 6.4% body fat. My Body Mass Index (BMI) is 22.6 and Waist to Hip Ratio is 0.80. My waist, hip, and butt got bigger-- about an inch!! Woo hoo! :-)

I know you guys probably think I'm obsessed with these numbers. Actually, I kind of am :-P They make me feel good. They make me feel like I've accomplished something. They make me feel like if I work hard for it, I will then see the results. Don't you hate it when you work hard for something, but then things just start to fall apart and don't turn the way you expect them to? I've been in that situation and I hate it. But today, the body comp results really made me smile. In the next couple of months, I will try to get it down to 6%. I think that will be the lowest I will go.

They say the average body fat for men my age is 19%. So, those that have ditched me for some whimpy guys, you can just kiss my (bigger) butt!

The world has evolved and a chapter is closed

Oh man... it's been a while since my last blog. A LOT of things have happened to me. I've been so busy with work that I don't have time to write a blog. It is sad. Last month, I was working on a report. The idea of coming home and writing a blog just didn't sound appealing to me. So, that was why I was away from this blogging community for a while. Anyhow, I'm back. I'm still swamped. But I thought I'd jump on here real quick to close a chapter of what has been happening to me, which actually originated from my first blog.

Remember, Mr. A, the dude I went out on a couple of dates with last year and he then started dating somebody else a week later? Well, they broke up at the end of January. Since then, I got stuck in the middle (not in a good way, of course!). I became friends with both of them. And they are now not talking to each other. It's weird. It's odd. It's become this huge drama between them and I ended up having to listen to stories from both sides. Not fun...!

Anyhow, after their break-up, Mr. A and I started hanging out more frequently. He started to attract me again. What is wrong with me?! Why do I tend to fall for the wrong guys?! So, I started to get to know him better and started to like him more and more. Last weekend, I bought him his birthday dinner. We then went out hitting a couple of bars. We ran into Kamal and some of my friends at the last bar including the chocolate cake guy that Toni and I had run into at Power & Light district in a couple of episodes ago (remember him?). At the bar, the chocolate cake guy kept asking Mr. A for his number like 5 times. Mr. A was reluctant giving it to him, but eventually he gave it to him anyway. That night, we had to drive someone we barely knew home because he somehow lost his ride. We got a little lost driving to his place. The guy then said, "Oh. You could drop Jack off first and then drop me." WTF?! His place was obviously on the way to my house. So, it wouldn't make sense for Mr. A to drop me off first and then drop him off. Obviously, he was looking for something from Mr. A! Well, Mr. A was a pretty hot commodity that night. Regardless, we went ahead and dropped him off. While Mr. A was dropping me off, he wanted to have some water. So, he came in. We were watching TV for a little bit. Things then got a little touchy. We ended up cuddling on the sofa. It was getting late. So, I told him that he should stay here. He could either sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the couch or vice versa. But I told him that he should sleep in my bed. He then said, "We both should go to bed". I said, "Sure. But we could just keep our clothes on and we won't do anything inappropriate." Well, once we got in bed, things got a little out of control. So, we ended up getting naked. One thing let to another. The next morning, we acted normal. Everything was fine. I got to think that day that he actually wasn't all that. He sure looks good in his clothes. But his body is not all that great. So, at that point, I was having no preference towards him.

The following Tuesday, he came over to help me with my bike since we were going to do a duathlon over the weekend. He told me the chocolate cake guy had been texting him and asked me if I knew anything about the dinner the chocolate cake guy was having that night. Apparently, they had been talking. The chocolate cake guy never invited me for the dinner that night. And I thought it was rude of him to all the sudden start texting Mr. A and snatch him from me! Whatever. He's just immature. Oh... and all the sudden, the chocolate cake guy started sending me text messages and messages on Facebook trying to be friend with me again. Whatever.

So, Mr. A and I went to Columbia, MO for the duathlon. It was a lot of fun. We then went to St. Louis after the race. We stayed overnight there and came back today. It was a good trip. We got to talk a lot about our personal stuff and our feelings towards each other. I very much enjoy his company. I've been wanting to do races like this. And I think he will be a good person that I can tag along and do stuff with. The only thing that I will have to detach from him is romance. I am the kind of person that can easily fall for someone. But at the same time, I don't want to ruin our friendship, the good times, and the good feelings I have towards him, especially with him being so unstable and having to deal with a lot of drama! So, on the way back to Kansas City, we got to talk and agreed that we should be just friends.

So, Mr. A and I started from going on a date. He dated someone else. He and I became friends. He broke up with the guy. He and I crossed the line. Someone else was interested in him. And now he and I will be just friends. The bitch can have him. Kansas City's gay scene is small. The world has evolved. The chapter between Mr. A and me is closed and has concluded with friendship. Time to move on, Jack. I keep telling myself that...

The Power of Facebook

Earlier this week, I was bored at home and started browsing people on Facebook. It was very addictive. You start looking at some good looking people's pictures and they are tied to someone else's like spider webs. It's crazy. I must have spent a good hour looking at people's pictures and profiles.

I, then, came to a realization many people out there and I had many friends in common! It's weird. But the interesting thing is those people are not on my friend list. I don't know them. But how come my friends do? And how come I don't know them? Maybe my friends just don't want to introduce me to them period? Or maybe I just don't socialize with people enough? Of course, there are some interesting people I want to be friends with. But then, I don't want to know about them too much. Or, it would be a little stalking when I actually met them in person. Ok... that happened to Toni and me once. It was, umm, awkward!

Not wasting time

I am a true believer of "Life is too short. So, enjoy it!" I do my best to enjoy my life and be as happy as I can be. I do things that some people would think crazy. But to me, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and it makes me happy, why not? You're born only once. You should enjoy your life to the fullest, right?

I lost a great long-time friend when I was in college. We had been friends since grade school. He had been suffering a heart disease. I remember him being so happy when we went to school together. I sat right next to him in almost every class. We would go to lunch together. His family knew me pretty well. He had to take a year off from school after a heart surgery. I remembered him looking forward to the surgery as he believed it would "cure" the disease. I visited him at the hospital the day after the surgery. He didn't speak a word. He didn't look very happy. His mother asked me to leave half an hour later. The guy loved going to school and playing soccer regardless of his heart problem. He was a great guy. He was probably thinking he couldn't play soccer anymore.

Every time I went to Thailand, I would visit him at his house. One day, about 11 years ago, I got a call from my parents telling me that his parents had called to let them know that he had passed away. When he was in the ICU during his last minutes, he was asking for me. I couldn't be there for him. I wish I had been there with him at the time.

Earlier this week, the mother of a coworker passed away because of cancer. She lived her life though. But it made me think again.

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what's going to happen to the people I love. All I can do is to do my best, enjoy the moment, and enjoy the company. I'm not thinking about the far future. I'm not going to be stuck with the past. I can't go back and fix the past. But I can make today better and learn from the past. I once again have promised myself that I will not let one minute pass by unrecognized. It would be useless and a waste of time. I'm not going to associate myself to disrespectful people. I think people should be friendly to each other and treat each other with respect. I'm not going to play that dating game where you're supposed to wait for 3 days or whatever before contacting him/her for a second date or whatever. If they don't call me in a day or two, hey, I'm moving on! I'm not wasting my time...! And trust me, if I like him, I'm calling him the following day to see if he wants to go out again... ;-)

Hectic week

It was a hectic week for me last week. Had to rewrite a report, review workpapers, make changes to the workpapers, etc. I was meaning to write several blogs, but didn't have devoted time. So, I am going to wrap everything in one blog...

When I came to work on Monday, I realized something was missing. Our dear coworker had left for the sunny California. The office's sense of fashion and humor definitely came down to almost below an unacceptable level! Everytime I walked by where she used to sit, I kept thinking of her. She was definitely missed.

On Wednesday, I got a friend request on Facebook from someone I didn't recognize. I accepted her friend request anyway. But I sort of had a clue as to why she wanted to add me as a friend. A couple of hours later, I got another friend request from the guy one of my coworkers was going to set me up on a date with (remember a couple of episodes ago where Toni shouted, "Did you like your chocolate cake?" yep, that was him!). We were supposed to go out with my coworker, her husband, and some of her friends on Thursday. I guess he wanted to check out my pictures and profile before he actually went to dinner with us? Fine. Whatever. I don't have anything to hide. Well, not what is on Facebook anyway ;-)

So, on Thursday, we all were supposed to meet at 7:30pm. I was fashionably late and arrived around 7:40pm. Got to the place and no one was there! Great! Got a call from my coworker saying they were running late but the guy and his roommate would be on time. Well, apparently, no one was on time. So, I sat at the bar and had a glass of wine. Around 8pm, everyone showed up at the same time! hmm... what a coincedence. Whatever! The guy showed up with his roommate... who had sent me the friend request on Wednesday. Pretty subtle, huh? umm... not.

So, there were 7 of us. We got a large table. The guy and I didn't get to sit together. So, it was a little bit hard to talk to each other. That's ok. I could talk to someone else in the group. I got to talk quite a bit with his roommate who was a little shy, but nice. It turned out to be a nice evening. Ironically, I ran into another friend at the bar. She had had a bad day at work and was there with another "coworker" (who happened to be quite goodlooking! ;-)). Anyhow, I talked to her for a bit and gave her a big hug. Hopefully, that would make her day/night a little bit better.

At the end of the night, the guy asked for my number and told me to give him a call so we could hang out again. I got home and got a text from him saying it was nice to meeting me. I sent a couple of texts back to him. Well, it was a good night.

Friday comes. A follow-up occured with Toni and the coworker. Toni said she liked the fact that the guy didn't wait to send a follow-up text after the dinner. Yeah. I liked that too. I don't like to play the waiting game. Life is too short. I don't have time to wait! We're not getting any younger, people!

So, late morning, I thought I'd send him a message on Facebook. The responses I got from him were just one-liners. No matter fact, some sounded like he was annoyed or something. So, I came to a conclusion that he might have changed his mind between Thursday night and Friday morning (maybe when he was dreaming) that he didn't want to go out again! Just my luck. I don't get it.

After work, I went to get a massage. I had never had this therapist before. Good thing I scheduled it for just an hour. He wasn't very good. What a waste of time and money. I told him my lower back and legs were tight and asked if he could concentrate on them. The guy spent very little time on my back and legs. Oh well... time to search for a new massage therapist. I hate looking for a new therapist. It's like looking for a neddle in the hay sack. Ugh.

When I was driving home after the massage, I got a text from Mr. A asking if I wanted to go for a run on the weekend. I had been planning on doing it already since the weather was going to be nice. So, I said yes and asked if he wanted to hang out that night. Long story short, we ended up going for dinner and a couple of drinks. The guy works like crazy. He had not slept for almost two days working on a report. When I met him on Friday night, he looked tired. I was surprised he was able to stay awake at dinner!

Mr. A arrived at my place at 10am on Saturday for the run. We ran for probably about 7-8 miles. The weather was perfect. A little windy, but we made it. I was surprised to run into a couple of coworkers on the trail. Mr. A was taller than me and has, of course, longer legs than me. So, to him, it was probably just a jog. But to me, it was pretty much a sprint most of the time! I am glad we did it though. I needed it. It was a good run for me (although he probably thought it was just a jog for him).

I had a relaxing, laid back Sunday. It was nice to sleep in, do some grocery shopping, walk around the Plaza, and have dinner with a good friend. It was just a nice Sunday-- a perfect way to end the week and start a new week. Sometimes, doing things in a slow pace and watching the world goes by is a beautiful thing.