I am ridiculous. I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for being unstable. I really do. This evening, Mr. A texted me asking what I was up to. I said nothing hoping that he would ask me to do something. He said he was going to the gym and swim. I asked if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. I was happy and all excited even though I had already had some plans. But I thought I would rather hang out with him.
The night came. He texted me after he was done with the gym. I went over to his place. We decided to go out for a drink. We went to this new bar and stayed there for about an hour. We then decided to go home. While we were walking out of the bar, I ran into someone I used to work with. Mr. A and he hit it off pretty well. The guy asked if we wanted to go back to the bar, Mr. A said, "Sure. Why not?" So, we decided to go back to the bar and hang out. Well, it turned out they hit it off pretty well. They had conversations between themselves. They left me out. They flirted with each other and all that crap. I was standing there like a fool. I then realized that I looked like a fool. So, I excused myself and asked Mr. A if it would be ok if he just dropped him off. He said, "Sure." So, I decided to leave them alone. Why would I want to be a third wheel anyway? So, I came home. I drove home by myself. It is ridiculous. I mean why Mr. A has to take all my gay friends. Why does he have to be attracted to all of them? I don't get it. And why do all my gay friends have to be attracted to him? I don't want to be a third wheel. I hate myself for being so unstable. I hate myself for being emotional for someone. It was not nice. But at the same time, I didn't want to be there crying. I didn't want to look like a loser at a bar. So, I left. I didn't feel very good about it. I was sad. I felt very little. I felt like I was not worth anything. All I could think of was to come home and cuddle with my dog. He would make me feel better. He would make me feel like someone loves me because of who I am.
It's late. I'm sad. But I have my dog in my arm. I'm ready for bed. I told Mr. A to not bother calling me tomorrow. I'll be fine. I'm done caring about other people. I'm done giving my heart to someone. I need to be strong and start taking care of myself. I hate my feelings like this. Why do I fall for Mr. A? Why? Why? Why?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1) You do not hate yourself, you actually LOVE yourself, but sometimes you rethink your actions, thats all
ReplyDelete2) You are human which means you are going to continue to have raw emotions that are broad in spectrum and you are ALLOWED to have them
3) All the super attractive people in the world are ALWAYS going to have the attention of others ALWAYS...married, single, taken - you name it...pretty people always attract attention
4) Dont always give your time and heart to people who dont deserve it. Seems as if Mr. A knows your buttons, how to push them when convenient and how to step away without responsibility of action. I dare say that he should have any more of your time, no matter how many times you are texted!
and finally,
5) People always want what they cant have, so if he knows you are always available (or any person for that matter) then you will not be respected. For some crazy reason, we all want and are attracted to things of great challenge to have, the things that come easy to us are often overlooked. Dont be overlooked..be the hard catch, and people will find you and stick to you like glue!
Thank you so much for the advice and support! I am seeing it now. After talking to several people, Toni included, it has become clear to me that this guy is not worth my effort. Just like what you said in #4, he doesn't deserve it. I am feeling much better today after processing it through my head. Maybe Friday night was my wake-up call. Obviously, he doesn't really care about my feelings (although he called on Saturday to apologize... but still...) So, started this morning, I'm not going to initiate any kind of communication with him.
ReplyDeleteThank you again for shedding me the light. It really helps!! :-)