I am ridiculous. I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for being unstable. I really do. This evening, Mr. A texted me asking what I was up to. I said nothing hoping that he would ask me to do something. He said he was going to the gym and swim. I asked if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. I was happy and all excited even though I had already had some plans. But I thought I would rather hang out with him.
The night came. He texted me after he was done with the gym. I went over to his place. We decided to go out for a drink. We went to this new bar and stayed there for about an hour. We then decided to go home. While we were walking out of the bar, I ran into someone I used to work with. Mr. A and he hit it off pretty well. The guy asked if we wanted to go back to the bar, Mr. A said, "Sure. Why not?" So, we decided to go back to the bar and hang out. Well, it turned out they hit it off pretty well. They had conversations between themselves. They left me out. They flirted with each other and all that crap. I was standing there like a fool. I then realized that I looked like a fool. So, I excused myself and asked Mr. A if it would be ok if he just dropped him off. He said, "Sure." So, I decided to leave them alone. Why would I want to be a third wheel anyway? So, I came home. I drove home by myself. It is ridiculous. I mean why Mr. A has to take all my gay friends. Why does he have to be attracted to all of them? I don't get it. And why do all my gay friends have to be attracted to him? I don't want to be a third wheel. I hate myself for being so unstable. I hate myself for being emotional for someone. It was not nice. But at the same time, I didn't want to be there crying. I didn't want to look like a loser at a bar. So, I left. I didn't feel very good about it. I was sad. I felt very little. I felt like I was not worth anything. All I could think of was to come home and cuddle with my dog. He would make me feel better. He would make me feel like someone loves me because of who I am.
It's late. I'm sad. But I have my dog in my arm. I'm ready for bed. I told Mr. A to not bother calling me tomorrow. I'll be fine. I'm done caring about other people. I'm done giving my heart to someone. I need to be strong and start taking care of myself. I hate my feelings like this. Why do I fall for Mr. A? Why? Why? Why?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Something is going right... for once!
Things have not been going right for me lately. Mr. A was snatched by who I thought was a friend. Work hasn't been going as planned. Things just have not really been on my side until this morning when I got a body composition done at the gym.
I try to get a body composition done every 4 months so I know where my body is at. It is a good sanity check for me. The last time I got it done was in November of last year. So, it's been about 6 months. I was nervous going into the "examination" room, but thought to myself what the heck. I've been doing pretty good in terms of exercising and dieting. So, I should be ok. But you just never know...
So the results are in...
Since November 2008, I lost about 1lb of fat and gained about 6lbs of lean body mass. That's equal to gaining about 5lbs. So, I'm standing at 135lbs with 6.4% body fat. My Body Mass Index (BMI) is 22.6 and Waist to Hip Ratio is 0.80. My waist, hip, and butt got bigger-- about an inch!! Woo hoo! :-)
I know you guys probably think I'm obsessed with these numbers. Actually, I kind of am :-P They make me feel good. They make me feel like I've accomplished something. They make me feel like if I work hard for it, I will then see the results. Don't you hate it when you work hard for something, but then things just start to fall apart and don't turn the way you expect them to? I've been in that situation and I hate it. But today, the body comp results really made me smile. In the next couple of months, I will try to get it down to 6%. I think that will be the lowest I will go.
They say the average body fat for men my age is 19%. So, those that have ditched me for some whimpy guys, you can just kiss my (bigger) butt!
I try to get a body composition done every 4 months so I know where my body is at. It is a good sanity check for me. The last time I got it done was in November of last year. So, it's been about 6 months. I was nervous going into the "examination" room, but thought to myself what the heck. I've been doing pretty good in terms of exercising and dieting. So, I should be ok. But you just never know...
So the results are in...
Since November 2008, I lost about 1lb of fat and gained about 6lbs of lean body mass. That's equal to gaining about 5lbs. So, I'm standing at 135lbs with 6.4% body fat. My Body Mass Index (BMI) is 22.6 and Waist to Hip Ratio is 0.80. My waist, hip, and butt got bigger-- about an inch!! Woo hoo! :-)
I know you guys probably think I'm obsessed with these numbers. Actually, I kind of am :-P They make me feel good. They make me feel like I've accomplished something. They make me feel like if I work hard for it, I will then see the results. Don't you hate it when you work hard for something, but then things just start to fall apart and don't turn the way you expect them to? I've been in that situation and I hate it. But today, the body comp results really made me smile. In the next couple of months, I will try to get it down to 6%. I think that will be the lowest I will go.
They say the average body fat for men my age is 19%. So, those that have ditched me for some whimpy guys, you can just kiss my (bigger) butt!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The world has evolved and a chapter is closed
Oh man... it's been a while since my last blog. A LOT of things have happened to me. I've been so busy with work that I don't have time to write a blog. It is sad. Last month, I was working on a report. The idea of coming home and writing a blog just didn't sound appealing to me. So, that was why I was away from this blogging community for a while. Anyhow, I'm back. I'm still swamped. But I thought I'd jump on here real quick to close a chapter of what has been happening to me, which actually originated from my first blog.
Remember, Mr. A, the dude I went out on a couple of dates with last year and he then started dating somebody else a week later? Well, they broke up at the end of January. Since then, I got stuck in the middle (not in a good way, of course!). I became friends with both of them. And they are now not talking to each other. It's weird. It's odd. It's become this huge drama between them and I ended up having to listen to stories from both sides. Not fun...!
Anyhow, after their break-up, Mr. A and I started hanging out more frequently. He started to attract me again. What is wrong with me?! Why do I tend to fall for the wrong guys?! So, I started to get to know him better and started to like him more and more. Last weekend, I bought him his birthday dinner. We then went out hitting a couple of bars. We ran into Kamal and some of my friends at the last bar including the chocolate cake guy that Toni and I had run into at Power & Light district in a couple of episodes ago (remember him?). At the bar, the chocolate cake guy kept asking Mr. A for his number like 5 times. Mr. A was reluctant giving it to him, but eventually he gave it to him anyway. That night, we had to drive someone we barely knew home because he somehow lost his ride. We got a little lost driving to his place. The guy then said, "Oh. You could drop Jack off first and then drop me." WTF?! His place was obviously on the way to my house. So, it wouldn't make sense for Mr. A to drop me off first and then drop him off. Obviously, he was looking for something from Mr. A! Well, Mr. A was a pretty hot commodity that night. Regardless, we went ahead and dropped him off. While Mr. A was dropping me off, he wanted to have some water. So, he came in. We were watching TV for a little bit. Things then got a little touchy. We ended up cuddling on the sofa. It was getting late. So, I told him that he should stay here. He could either sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the couch or vice versa. But I told him that he should sleep in my bed. He then said, "We both should go to bed". I said, "Sure. But we could just keep our clothes on and we won't do anything inappropriate." Well, once we got in bed, things got a little out of control. So, we ended up getting naked. One thing let to another. The next morning, we acted normal. Everything was fine. I got to think that day that he actually wasn't all that. He sure looks good in his clothes. But his body is not all that great. So, at that point, I was having no preference towards him.
The following Tuesday, he came over to help me with my bike since we were going to do a duathlon over the weekend. He told me the chocolate cake guy had been texting him and asked me if I knew anything about the dinner the chocolate cake guy was having that night. Apparently, they had been talking. The chocolate cake guy never invited me for the dinner that night. And I thought it was rude of him to all the sudden start texting Mr. A and snatch him from me! Whatever. He's just immature. Oh... and all the sudden, the chocolate cake guy started sending me text messages and messages on Facebook trying to be friend with me again. Whatever.
So, Mr. A and I went to Columbia, MO for the duathlon. It was a lot of fun. We then went to St. Louis after the race. We stayed overnight there and came back today. It was a good trip. We got to talk a lot about our personal stuff and our feelings towards each other. I very much enjoy his company. I've been wanting to do races like this. And I think he will be a good person that I can tag along and do stuff with. The only thing that I will have to detach from him is romance. I am the kind of person that can easily fall for someone. But at the same time, I don't want to ruin our friendship, the good times, and the good feelings I have towards him, especially with him being so unstable and having to deal with a lot of drama! So, on the way back to Kansas City, we got to talk and agreed that we should be just friends.
So, Mr. A and I started from going on a date. He dated someone else. He and I became friends. He broke up with the guy. He and I crossed the line. Someone else was interested in him. And now he and I will be just friends. The bitch can have him. Kansas City's gay scene is small. The world has evolved. The chapter between Mr. A and me is closed and has concluded with friendship. Time to move on, Jack. I keep telling myself that...
Remember, Mr. A, the dude I went out on a couple of dates with last year and he then started dating somebody else a week later? Well, they broke up at the end of January. Since then, I got stuck in the middle (not in a good way, of course!). I became friends with both of them. And they are now not talking to each other. It's weird. It's odd. It's become this huge drama between them and I ended up having to listen to stories from both sides. Not fun...!
Anyhow, after their break-up, Mr. A and I started hanging out more frequently. He started to attract me again. What is wrong with me?! Why do I tend to fall for the wrong guys?! So, I started to get to know him better and started to like him more and more. Last weekend, I bought him his birthday dinner. We then went out hitting a couple of bars. We ran into Kamal and some of my friends at the last bar including the chocolate cake guy that Toni and I had run into at Power & Light district in a couple of episodes ago (remember him?). At the bar, the chocolate cake guy kept asking Mr. A for his number like 5 times. Mr. A was reluctant giving it to him, but eventually he gave it to him anyway. That night, we had to drive someone we barely knew home because he somehow lost his ride. We got a little lost driving to his place. The guy then said, "Oh. You could drop Jack off first and then drop me." WTF?! His place was obviously on the way to my house. So, it wouldn't make sense for Mr. A to drop me off first and then drop him off. Obviously, he was looking for something from Mr. A! Well, Mr. A was a pretty hot commodity that night. Regardless, we went ahead and dropped him off. While Mr. A was dropping me off, he wanted to have some water. So, he came in. We were watching TV for a little bit. Things then got a little touchy. We ended up cuddling on the sofa. It was getting late. So, I told him that he should stay here. He could either sleep in my bed and I'd sleep on the couch or vice versa. But I told him that he should sleep in my bed. He then said, "We both should go to bed". I said, "Sure. But we could just keep our clothes on and we won't do anything inappropriate." Well, once we got in bed, things got a little out of control. So, we ended up getting naked. One thing let to another. The next morning, we acted normal. Everything was fine. I got to think that day that he actually wasn't all that. He sure looks good in his clothes. But his body is not all that great. So, at that point, I was having no preference towards him.
The following Tuesday, he came over to help me with my bike since we were going to do a duathlon over the weekend. He told me the chocolate cake guy had been texting him and asked me if I knew anything about the dinner the chocolate cake guy was having that night. Apparently, they had been talking. The chocolate cake guy never invited me for the dinner that night. And I thought it was rude of him to all the sudden start texting Mr. A and snatch him from me! Whatever. He's just immature. Oh... and all the sudden, the chocolate cake guy started sending me text messages and messages on Facebook trying to be friend with me again. Whatever.
So, Mr. A and I went to Columbia, MO for the duathlon. It was a lot of fun. We then went to St. Louis after the race. We stayed overnight there and came back today. It was a good trip. We got to talk a lot about our personal stuff and our feelings towards each other. I very much enjoy his company. I've been wanting to do races like this. And I think he will be a good person that I can tag along and do stuff with. The only thing that I will have to detach from him is romance. I am the kind of person that can easily fall for someone. But at the same time, I don't want to ruin our friendship, the good times, and the good feelings I have towards him, especially with him being so unstable and having to deal with a lot of drama! So, on the way back to Kansas City, we got to talk and agreed that we should be just friends.
So, Mr. A and I started from going on a date. He dated someone else. He and I became friends. He broke up with the guy. He and I crossed the line. Someone else was interested in him. And now he and I will be just friends. The bitch can have him. Kansas City's gay scene is small. The world has evolved. The chapter between Mr. A and me is closed and has concluded with friendship. Time to move on, Jack. I keep telling myself that...
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